Lipstick Red von Ling-Chang (Revenge) ================================================================================ Kapitel 1: Lipstick Red ----------------------- Right after you, there were loads of men. Not that I couldn’t forget you and got them to forget, they were just there. Waiting to be picked by a lonely woman, if it hadn’t been me than some other girl. I cared for them, we had sex but that was just about all there was. Seriousness seemed to be strictly forbidden, an annoyance in love affairs which were meant to have some fun outside of the tiring expectations of other people. More than anything else: they were my drugs, my daily meal. Without them I couldn’t breath. I wasn’t sure if I really existed. I don’t expect you to believe me. You shouldn’t. You already know that I’m a liar because after all this time you just have to know me. That’s why you dumped me right in front of my parents, to make sure you wouldn’t have to marry me. To be honest: you’ve hurt me deeply and I couldn’t think how to stand up again. And even though my legs work perfectly fine now I stumble and everytime I fall I break. Not that you’re missing, it’s just that you gave a fatal blow to my self-confidence. Noone ever dared to dump me, they wouldn’t even dare to think about dumping me in front of my parents. But you were so different from all these daily people who just live to die and that’s what I liked about you. You stood out in the mass of people, I would always know where you are just by looking around. You would stand there waving and shouting as if noone else would notice – just me. You didn’t care if they stared, if they laughed, mainly because I was there. And I’d feel the same, without you there was no hope for me – I now realise how much you made me high and how much I really needed you. I stuck to you like glue and with you it was similar. But I couldn’t care less if others called us “lovey-dovey”, we really were. So it was okay for me. Weren’t you the one who proposed marriage? So why, at the last second, did you get cold feet and ran for your life? I can’t remember my parents being cruel or stupid to you. Maybe you were one of those easy people: love connections are deeper friendships, affairs but nothing serious as marriage. How couldn’t I have noticed that you were like that? I know you were hiding many things but I guess I thought they were unimportant personal facts I wouldn’t have to know. Maybe I was right, maybe not – now I think I should’ve checked your room, your clothes, your car … just to make sure you wouldn’t run away someday and leave me behind with depts pushed onto me. If I could I would run to you and kick you or slap you or break you. I want to hurt you so much, it hurts myself, I want my revenge on everything you did to me trying to force your will upon me. Everytime you did I obeyed like a sheep. How did I become like that? Wasn’t I a normal person before? So why did I begin to follow you around? I don’t want to remember but everytime I’m lying in bed and stare up to the ceiling I unexpectedly begin to hear your breath next to me. Not just that: when I close my eyes I can feel your very warmth while you were wrapping your arms around me as if I were a pillow, only there for you so that you may hold me tight. I remember all the nights we used to stay up late only to watch each other, only to see the other fall asleep first, and then joking around, having fun, sex, love. Breaking up wasn’t a choice back then. Who would’ve thought that the neighbouring prince charming actually was a deep disappointment? Who would’ve thought that my practically-husband was going to cheat on me and even tell that to my parents so that they have a reason for you running away? Everyday nagging around that I could’ve chosen a better, more loyal man to be my husband. Not that you were, you actually weren’t, but honestly: I’m happy you left at that time. How many more depts would’ve come down to me just of being together with you, what’s more: wearing the ring you would’ve given me. Sitting in front of the mirror, looking into it for hours, moaning about my “uglyness” was one of my hobbies and I know that everytime I did, you rolled your eyes as if I were crazy and totally confused. Did you think I was annoying? Were you disappointed that I actually said the truth and you just then realised how ugly I was? That your whole love to me would fail because you make up your mind of running away with another woman – more beautiful. I know I don’t have big breasts, my lips aren’t as red, my hips aren’t all curvy-curvy, my hair isn’t as full and my eyes aren’t that big. But the modern world did create things like make-up to help poor little girls like me in becoming pretty. And wasn’t I much more beautiful and less embarrassing when I was pretty-me instead of ugly-me? I hope at least that you did notice how much I did for you so that you lived well. And now sitting here in front of me, more depts ready to be pushed onto me, you actually say you want to apologise? I remember this song of OneRepublic. I think it’s called “It’s too late to apologize” and maybe that’s why I know I can’t give in now. I still can’t forget your sins, your burdens and what’s more: you. So I won’t help you out of this shit – no, this time I definitely won’t. It’s not like me to run after some lost love. As I said before, after you were loads of men, and even before was a nice time. It’s just that you made my life turn around, revolving around your very existence that now makes me throw up everytime I see your face. I don’t hate you because I can’t. There is this saying: Don’t hate who you’ve loved. And I think it’s right. I don’t hate you, I just don’t like you anymore. And that’s that. So don’t come begging on your knees for some shitty money to pay off your depts. I had enough of paying other people’s depts, so I won’t. Run as long as you’ve got the time to. If I catch you, I don’t know what’ll happen to you. I couldn’t forgive myself if something were to happen to you just because of me. That would be another burden to carry around. You can laugh now, if I say this, but I really loved you. With you I could imagine living all the way through life. But that’s that, and this is this. And today, thanks to you, I’m my pretty-self, not my ugly-self, my hips all curvy-curvy, nice eyes, legs and body. But I want to apologise I couldn’t help but tease you. I know you liked my favourite make-up tool: the one for my lips, you know: a lipstick. You probably like it even now, I see it in your eyes the light in it when they radiate of pleasure, joy, happiness and love. That’s why this is my first step to leave my former self behind and go into the bright future. By crushing you, I can finally calm down. And with this, I start to carefully torment you until you break, piece by piece, slowly, pitifully. My pretty-self starts to like itself and with it, I begin to like myself more and more. Maybe I should pay attention to the flow of time, it helped me then and does even now. I regained my self-confidence and I can finally say that I’m back to myself. Just because of you, who liked my pretty-self. Or maybe not. Maybe you liked my lipstick and to kiss my lips. I liked you, but you dumped me. And now you come crawling back? Fuck off. Even if it's a small and slow revenge - I'll completely crush you. You definitely thought I was adorably cute, right? But that’s over now. All this colour to put on to make me shine. It’s over with this last thing, when it finally crushes you. My beautiful “Lipstick Red”. Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)